Junk

He’s not gonna die.

He’s not gonna die.

He’s not gonna die.

No matter how many times I say it, it still feels like a lie. Because eventually he is. Eventually he is going to die. And unfortunately, thanks to heroin, it will probably be in the near future.

Being related to an addict absolutely blows. It is a never ending journey of heartbreak and despair. Even when there is a chance that the addict is clean, the journey still sucks because anything, and I mean anything, can throw them over the edge.  Quickly stick the needle back in the arm.

HATE being related to an addict.  I HATE what he does to all of us.  I HATE that every time my phone rings after midnight I think it is the hospital telling me he’s dead.  I HATE that my husband has to watch me shatter on a monthly basis.  IHATE that I yell at my kids when he’s on my mind.  I HATE what it does to my father, the only person who would give his life for him.  And you know what…sometimes I HATE him.

No I don’t.

I want to hate him.  But I can’t.  I love him.  I love who he was before he put that shit in his veins.  I loved him when he made laugh countless times, over and over.  He doesn’t do that anymore.  All he does now is make me cry, over and over, over and over. His life has been overtaken and he is the only one who can take it back.  I want him back.  I miss him.  I look at his picture on my desk every day and I can’t help but let the sadness overwhelm me.  But there is nothing else I can do.  We have done all we could do.  We have walked down this road so many times that our backs are breaking, our feet are bleeding.  There is nothing left to do but pray.

Being related to an addict absolutely blows.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Junk”

  1. I am sorry for your pain. My thoughts are with you and your family. There is always hope, don’t give up, don’t stop praying. I beleive it was prayers and conditional love that brought about a moment of clarity for myself.
    Don’t ever give up hope.
    With respect,
    Bob D.

    Like

  2. Sorry for bombarding you but we are in the trenches with my brother, again. I too yell at my kids when I am consumed with thoughts of him and I hate myself for that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I travel – like I’m trying to get away from my brothers addictions. In a sense, I guess I’m hiding. 😦

    I’ve seen him once since December 2013….

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s