Clean

He’s in hiding now.  The university evicted him today and there is a warrant out for his arrest.  So he’s hiding.  I hope he doesn’t kill himself.

Really, I do.  I think about his impeding death everyday of my life.  I can’t help it.  I know he’s going to die.

Fuck.

I called him today.

I haven’t talked to him since December.  I just want to tell him that I love him.  I want him to know that I do love him even though he is a monster and has morphed into something I don’t recognize, I still love him.  In the depths of my heart I yearn for him to get clean.  For good.  For ever.  No more needles, no more spoons.  No more poppy.  No more lies.

Clean.

Clean.

I just want him to get clean.

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Thinking He’s Dead

My brother is a heroin addict & is probably going to die.

I am so fucking sick of heroin.

It never ends.

Sober.  High. Sober.  High.

His grey face is back and apparently he overdosed last Saturday.  He would never tell us about that though.  He only tells his friends because for some twisted reason he thinks it sounds cool.  He doesn’t call me but I call him.  It goes right to voicemail.  I think he’s dead.

I call his ex-girlfriend and she tells me he is a hot hot hot mess.  He’s grey and skinny and slurring his words.

The addict is back.

I’m over it.

I have to be over it.

Five years of this shit is making me in-fucking-sane.

The Day I Knew He Was An Addict

My brother and I no longer speak.  I don’t call him and the only time he calls me is when he’s in jail.  I hear what is going on in his life through my father although I wish I didn’t.  One can only hear that someone you love is using heavily again so many times…

The day I guessed my brother was using heroin was a day I will never forget.  It was Thanksgiving.  He walked into the house and I didn’t recognize him.  No one did.  A collective gasp was heard throughout the family as he strolled through the kitchen door.  In moments we noticed a tiny girl following him.  Her hair ragged, her bones protruding, I knew immediately they were on drugs.  My brother announced that they were flying to Florida that day and he needed a ride.  He needed to get away and his new friend needed to visit her ‘boyfriend’ who just happened to be an army Sergent stationed in the same town our mother lives in.

I smelled bullshit and watched as they disappeared into the basement.  I looked at my husband and then my father.  They smelled the bullshit too.

I followed my brother downstairs and found them whispering behind the bathroom door.  They emerged out of the tiny bathroom and I just knew he was on heroin.  His eyes rolled back into his head as I confronted him about being on drugs.  He denied it and said he was tired.  I knew he had been using Oxycontin for an old shoulder injury and he assured me that’s all it was.  At that moment I made a vital mistake.  I believed him.

I let him leave.

My dad drove him and his new friend to the airport knowing something was very wrong.  My stepbrother and I discussed what he was on and I immediately said heroin.  I knew my brother had become dependent on heroin.

Today my dad called me to inform me that once again my brother is using.

I wasn’t shocked but I can say that I was very sad.  I had seen being in jail as his last hope.  His inspiration to get clean.  I wanted jail to scare him.  I wanted his need for heroin to be consumed by his fear of spending the rest of his life in jail.

Unfortunately I’m just a silly girl with silly hopes.

And he’s an addict.

Helping a Heroin Addict

How can you help an addict? Should my parents take out a loan to pay for my brother’s rehab?

If you are not a heroin addict, you cannot help a heroin addict.  The only person who can help a heroin addict is the heroin addict.

That being said I would like to address a comment recently left on this ‘ol blog from Matthew:

HI, my brother is a junkie too. I know where your coming from. Is there any way to help him without breaking the bank?; That you know of? There are state programs but they only treat for a week and either treat for drugs or mental health. we need to put him in a facility that can treat him for both. Problem being is that he does not have health insurance. My parents are talking about dumping 20k into a place for his recovery. (Wasted money if you ask me!!!) Do you have any ideas or links that i could forward to my parents to stop them from taking out a loan to pay for his bad habits?

Matthew,

First of all I am sorry that your brother is sick.  unfortunately I have learned that nothing will help the junkie until he/she wants to help themselves.  My brother has been in rehab 4 times, one of them costing close to $20,000/month.  None of them have worked.  He was sober for a while and then 6 months later the needle was in his arm.

I’m not saying that rehab can’t work.  It can.  I know many people who have their own success stories.  It just won’t work if the person in rehab doesn’t want to get clean.

What seems to have worked for my brother is getting into the system.  That sounds crazy right?  Over the holidays my brother found himself in jail for 22 days (best christmas present ever) and 2 weeks ago he found himself there again. Since that time he has been given a mandatory sentence of weekly counseling, drug tests, and meetings with a probation officer.  Now it’s only been 2 months since all this went down however his 22 days in jail were the first days in his life that he went sober/clean without any maintenance drugs like methadone or suboxen and he seems to still be clean.

I pray he is still clean.

Matthew, I hope you find the help you need.  There are a lot of resources out there.  I found Beautiful Boy very helpful in the beginning of my brother’s addiction especially when my father became addicted to saving him.  Give your parents a copy.  Make them read it.  Hopefully they will find something in it that convinces them not to take out a loan. Unfortunately for addicts parents, lessons are never learned until after the money is gone.

Good luck my friend.  Your brother is in my heart.