He’s in hiding now.  The university evicted him today and there is a warrant out for his arrest.  So he’s hiding.  I hope he doesn’t kill himself.

Really, I do.  I think about his impeding death everyday of my life.  I can’t help it.  I know he’s going to die.


I called him today.

I haven’t talked to him since December.  I just want to tell him that I love him.  I want him to know that I do love him even though he is a monster and has morphed into something I don’t recognize, I still love him.  In the depths of my heart I yearn for him to get clean.  For good.  For ever.  No more needles, no more spoons.  No more poppy.  No more lies.



I just want him to get clean.


One thought on “Clean”

  1. I feel the same as you. At times i wish i could cut him from my life so i don’t have to worry anymore…. or numb myself before he completely breaks my heart. I struggle with anxiety and my mind can only see terrible endings to my little brothers life. Whats worse is i worry for my mother. She deals with him everyday while i hide thousands of miles away and try not to think about him…. i hate this and don’t have the answer


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