Junk Cycle

I saw my brother today.  Sort of, I guess.

Two weeks ago he began the motions of getting clean.  He went to a detox facility and has since been in an outpatient program waiting to get into an inpatient program.  He hit rock bottom I suppose.

My dad dropped him off in the ghetto and prayed.

I saw my brother today.  Sort of, I guess.  It wasn’t totally him though.  He was the in between brother.  The almost clean, still heroin addicted shell of my brother.  The brother whose mind is still foggy without memories of the recent months.  The brother who hasn’t seen my daughter since a year ago because he chose the needle over her.  The brother who is trying not to be a junkie anymore.

Unfortunately though, we have been down this road so many times before.  He goes to detox, he gets clean.  He goes back to school.  He starts drinking socially and sooner than later the needle is in his arm and the knife is in his families’ back.  The cycle of destruction that has been killing our family for five fucking years starts again.

I hope this time something changes.  I pray he stops.  I don’t think my dad will survive another round.


3 thoughts on “Junk Cycle”

  1. the similarities are horrifying. i found out a few hours ago my brother overdosed. he survived. he called me in the hours before he od’d. i didnt return his call because well we dont really talk. He’s been addicted for a few years. the story is the same lies, deceit, thievery, jail, rehab, sobriety, relapse, relapse, ……… I feel awful, my parents feel awful, and my brother feels awful. i want to cry but i can not. i shut off that valve a long time ago. now the pain just swells in my chest and face until i fall asleep. i have dreams were i lie on the floor and cry uncontrollably. i dont know if there is any helping him. weve tried so much. i think the drug really has a hold on him. he says he wants to stop but cannot . he’s been clean a few months and relapsed many times. this is killing my family. the further i get from the situation the better i feel except for the guilt. the guilt haunts me. what if i’d answered that phone call today? what if i’d invited to my place years b/f this happened. what if he was dead? oh. i want to cry. i do not want to cry alone. my family and i are not close anymore i ca n not turn to them. my mother is an enabler. i hate her for it. i dont tell her that, but our relationship is strained beyond repair. oh. its 5am i cant sleep. i am alone. i am tired of pretending to be strong.


  2. I have no personal experience at all with addiction (so I hope I’m not being insensitive with this comment). Some of my family and friends may drink too much now and then (present company included), but other than that, I am pretty lucky. Or naive. Whichever. Anyway, I just recently heard a song by Elizabeth Cook, which I believe is based on personal experience, called “Heroin Addict Sister.” I wasn’t sure if you had heard of it, or her, before, but hearing it made me think of this blog. It’s the second video here on her myspace page (also available on the player): http://www.myspace.com/elizabethcook


  3. Steve
    I understand completely. I feel far away from my family too especially when they let him back in during his ‘clean’ times. I am so sorry you have to go through it too. I think it is especially hard on us because the family tends to put their all into the survival of the addict. At times I just want to scream at my dad and tell him to stop f’ng enabling and walk away. But I can’t. He’s been through way too much and doesn’t deserve my anger. I feel so selfish for thinking these things but I deserve and need love too.
    I hope it gets better for you.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s