My Brother is a Heroin Addict & There is Not a Goddamn Thing I Can Do About It

It’s so funny what will make me have a meltdown when it comes to my brother. For the most part, my skin is thick when it comes to him. I’ve built my wall and it rarely comes down. After seven years of watching him stick a needle in his arm you’d think I’d be numb by now.

And then something makes a crack. Today it was this song. A hairline fracture forms and within moments my wall is down and I…am crumbling. The tears begin and all I know how to do is blindly stare at a computer screen through waterfalls of tears and write. I write about how this disease never ends and how it’s hold on my brother is a million times stronger than our love for him. I write, through the tears, about how I ache for my father, who holds the blame for my brother’s addiction on his shoulders even though he shouldn’t. I write because I am sad and I miss my brother. I write because my children will never see the boy I do. They will never see the sparkle in his blue eyes or hear the carelessness in his laugh. They will never know him like I did. No one will ever again.

Heroin has changed him. Gone is the twinkle and the laugh, forever replaced by an ugliness that never leaves. A shade of gray he has become.

This time I don’t know how to recover. I don’t know how to forgive him for going back to the thing that nearly destroyed him so many times over the past 7 years. I don’t know how to stop fucking crying for him. I don’t know how to stop hating him. I just don’t know.

My brother is a heroin addict and there is not a goddamn thing I can do about it. 

Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we’ll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And I will tell the night
Whisper, “Lose your sight”
But I can’t move the mountains for you

-Mumford & Sons

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11 thoughts on “My Brother is a Heroin Addict & There is Not a Goddamn Thing I Can Do About It”

  1. Try to think about how you dealt with this issue in the past. What helped you to come to terms with the situation?. Remember that you have pulled through this before so it’s in there somewhere for you to find a way to pull through it again. I think that’s so great that you think about positive memories about your brother from the past. This way you can remain empathetic and connected to your sibbling, which can be so hard when you feel so much anger (rightly so).

    It must be very confronting/overwhelming for you having to whitness your father struggle with guilt about this.

    You obviously have a big heart. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
    I’m sure it does mean a lot to your brother that you care, even if it doesn’t really register on the surface with him, i bet it does help him in some way.

    I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. What I am about to say is something you hear people say and some people roll their eyes to it and others take it and run with it. With all the hurt you and your family is going through you need a “peace” among yourselves that can’t come from MAN or anything of this WORLD. The answer is JESUS, and is the answer for ALL.

    Before you say to yourself, “I am tired of hearing about JESUS.” Just seek him and you will find him, truly seek him. My faith has totaly changed my life and it is b/c of Christ I can face tomorrow. This world is HARD, ROUGH and TOUGH and ever since the fall of man in the garden mankind has been searching for a savior. We can’t do life alone and the only way to do it is a relationship with JESUS.

    I have never met you but I hurt for what you are going through and I can relate b/c I have a brother who has gone down the wrong road, similar to what you are experincing. I also know that with your brothers condition, that not only does he need physical help but he needs spirtual as well. Change must come from within and that is through Christ. I pray for you all!

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  3. My heart breaks for you and your family. My family and I are going through the same thing with my brother, who is only 19. We just found out not long ago after almost two years of being on an emotional roller coaster wondering what was going on with him. Of course we were suspicious but hopeful that he was just going through a phase. I’ve learned that it’s really better to expect the worst and just hope for the best. After graduating high school he got a job through a temp agency and was doing great there, about to become a full time employee…Until he failed a drug test. Things have just continued downhill from there. That being said, I completely understand your reasoning for starting this blog. It is TOUGH feeling completely alone watching a loved one (Especially a sibling) go through this awful pain. I just want to take all the pain from my family and put it on myself. My mom suffers the most. Like you said about your father, it has taken an extreme emotional and physical toll on her. My brother hasn’t tried rehab or any treatment yet except suboxone which wasn’t very successful. I am on the beginning of a journey that you have been on for so long…I pray that yours ends soon. So so sorry.

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  4. Man oh man.. I just commented and kept reading and damn. You sound like me. I guess we’re all the same.. Us sisters and mothers and fathers and kids that are forced to live with the unique hell of loving an addict. I don’t want to love my brother anymore. My heart is so tired. My mother is a master enabler and has excuses for every time he robs or otherwise fucks her over. I’m tired of her stories I’m tired of his lies and I’m tired of being forced though holidays with someone whose eyes are rolling back in their head. I’m sorry for emotionally dumping all over your blog. It’s been a rough night and I don’t feel like writing YET ANOTHER blog post about how tired I am of it all. Umm excuse me, little bro, no one signed up for your fucked up roller coaster ride on the needle highway to hell. Thank you very much.

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