Planning for a Funeral

I spent all day Tuesday planning my brother’s funeral.

In my head.

I composed a eulogy that I would say while standing next to his lifeless body. It was an angry eulogy directed at him. Whenever my words would come to surface all I could do was cry.

I cried over and over on Tuesday.

At 3:01pm the tears started flowing and wouldn’t stop. I convinced myself that this was the precise moment he died.

But I was wrong.

He didn’t die.

He was in jail.

The safest place he could ever be.

 

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6 thoughts on “Planning for a Funeral”

  1. I play in my head various scenarios, over and over again, until I’m weak and can’t take it anymore. This is not healthy. As of yesterday, I’m making a conscious effort to think good things.

    Good things like my brother in jail. This might not sound healthy either, but you are right, it’s a safer place for addicts.

    I wish your brother manages to stay clean for a while and get help.

    The fact that he used again CAN be turned into a positive thing.

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  2. I will never stop trying and I will never lose hope. I cannot honestly express the sorrow I feel for the immense pain I have caused. So I won’t try. But do not give up hope yet, for it is all we have.

    -boy

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  3. I’ve done this a million times. My brother runs away from his wife and child and from us. He sells all of his and our belongings he steals from his 10 mth old child. He keeps his phone on for some duration and than he decides he’s over it. So he cancels his number and sells his phone for the money he can get for it to put towards drugs. And he completely disappears and we live everyday knowing he’s dead. Positive this is going to be the time we will have to bury my brother. It is literally the worst feeling in the entire world to think you will never see the person you shared your childhood with ever again. And that he knows how worried we all are and it I doesn’t hinder him. I know your pain I feel your pain everyday. Including today the first day of one of his binges.

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  4. I have done this exact thing for years. Planned my brothers eulogy in my head. Every time the phone rang after midnight, every time my mom called and it sounded like she was crying so bad she couldnt talk. I would think, this is it, he is gone. Until November 18, 2012, when I actually got the last call that my brother died. He was thirty, I was 32. Hi name was Jody, we called him Bud . I He had an eight year old son, Tyler, the love of my life. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for this moment for years. I woould stop talking to him, I would tell my mom I didn’t want to hear anything about him, i woukd stop talking to my mom just so i wouldnt feel sadness, I deleted him from my facebook (even though he was never on bc he had other “things” to do.) I have just read all of your blogs, and I have experienced every single moment you have talked about. It is a living hell. Its hell watching your brother who had the world in his hand throw it all away. My brother was always top in his class, he had a full scholarship to college, was so good looking he had any girl he wanted, was so charismatic and charming, he could make you laugh all day long. Drugs took it all from him. When the moment finally came for that eulogy in my head that I have been practicing, there was nothing. I said nothing at his funeral. I sat there and felt nothing but guilt and sadness. I am sorry for you and everyone else that has to go through this, but losing my brother has made me more sympathic to the addict. It took losing him to stop hating him. It took losing him for me to understand that he hated himself more than I could ever hate him. Realizing now how low his self esteem was, how every time he picked that needle up and used it he just hated himself more and more but Couldnt stop. He once told my mom he wanted to stop so bad but it felt like it was a monster always on his back making sure he did it. My brother felt not good enough, he felt jealous that I was not addicted to drugs and he was. He hated himself for not being able to stop. I have no advice for you, I wish I did. I pray to God that your brother is able to stop using. I pray that you and your dad can get your life back.

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