Rest in Peace Robin Williams


My brother has been in jail for the past three months and is out on bail waiting for trial. I have talked to him once and I heard from my grandpa that he is doing well. I keep my distance because 10 years of his heroin addiction has taught me too.

Today when the news of Robin Williams suicide hit the interwebs I couldn’t help but tear up. A lifetime of addiction and depression caught up with him and enough was enough. The disease won and Mr. Williams lost.

I think anyone who knows or loves an addict knows that the sad ending of Mr. Williams life is a distinct possibility of an ending to their loved ones life. When people in the spotlight die by way of addiction all it does for me is make me feel like my brother is next. Sometimes the choice to live isn’t present and there are no other options.

We all hope that this ending isn’t the ending to our brother’s story. We hope they make it. But I think deep down we know that the grim reaper stands on their shoulder every day of their lives.

And I am so sad that my brother has to live that like. And I am so sad that at 63 Mr. Williams couldn’t live in this world any longer.

I hope that he finds peace. I hope that his family can find peace. And I truly hope that someday we will live in a world where the disease of depression and addiction no longer exist.


10 thoughts on “Rest in Peace Robin Williams”

  1. I truly believe a lot of addicts start using as a way to self medicate. We treat mental illness like a character flaw instead of a real disease. I also watched my own brother fall into depression when he tried to stop using. This was not addressed during his recovery and trying to find him help for his depression was impossible. All the mental health facilities told us they don’t treat addiction and the treatment facilities said they didn’t treat depression. It didn’t take long for him to relapse and then die.


  2. I just wanted to tell you that I love your blog and everything that you write is so perfect and candid. My brother is addicted to heroin and pills. He is currently in jail, but it has been going on odor over 10 years now. He has done awful things to me and my family. I don’t feel as though I had a brother anymore, just a family member that I am obliged to love. Please keep writing down your thoughts. It helps people so much more than you realize.


  3. I found your blog when by brother, a Heroin Addict of 15 years, relapsed for the… oh.. I don’t know – I have lost count… your words on the screen were exactly all of the stuff going on inside of me… your very thought process – identical to mine… It’s a hard think to express accurately… I often hide myself in a blanket of awkward humour… mostly because I want to be strong… the sad fact is – this poison often times hurts the ones not using, more than the ones using. Thanks for this.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. My brother just came home again today from detox. He already told me he wanted to use but this time thank god he went to a meeting. But I am always thinking about the next time and always on eggshells for that day I find out it was the last time. Everyday I pray for him to find peace. I know he is lonely and his disease makes him feel more alone.


  5. I cant tell you how hard this hits me man. my little brother is relapsing as i type and im so scared for him every day. I dont know if i should spend time with him in efforts of his cleaness or leave the house every day all day for my own mental health and clarity. watching my brother put this garbage in his body is incredibly tiring. constantly lurking to see if hes at home at 3 in the morning or off doing something probably stupid and dangerous. No meetings, no sobriety. it almost pushes me to be some straight edge little punk. Why are drugs so much better than us? having a brother who loves him and a mother and father who want nothing but the best for him. And then to stand by as we learn about addiction and how theres nothing we can really do? Its a disease they say, whos the fuckin docter?
    The doctor becomes the patient and must self administer as the loved ones stand by and watch them struggle daily. every single day. it makes me wonder how hard it really is. this sucks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I sympthize with you but as long as your brother is alive you still have hope. I lost my little to a drug overdose in 2001. I don’t have any words of wisdom or adive for what you are going through because I failed and live with that every day. What I can share with you is what I’ve come to know about addiction since Jon died. I think there is a strong link between mental illness and addiction. I’ve observed most addicts start using as a means to self medicate. They become dependent on the drug.The dependency is established when the brain stops producing the chemicals therefore the user can no longer feel even normal without the drug.
      Addiction is so taboo. It’s like a dirty secret. Nobody wants to talk about it or accept it. Too many think it’s a character flaw and the addict is weak. This causes family and friends to shun the addict. The addict is overwhelmed with guilt and shame so he/she turns even further to drugs. Us on the outside throw up our hands and say we don’t know what to do. Here is what I would do different…I’d accept my brother’s illness. I wouldn’t place some irrational goal of stop using on him and accept that he doesn’t have a choice. I would be there when he uses and hold him as he doses off. If I had done this with my brother I would have seen the signs of his overdose and been able to save him. Get your hands on some Naloxone and know what to do if you see your brother overdosing. Stop feeling ashamed your brother is an addict. It has nothing to do with his love for you. He is not choosing this and he is especially not choosing drugs over you. But it does have everything to do with how much you love your brother. Start reading everything you can on addiction and the drug he is addicted to. The more knowledge you have the stronger the fighter you will be. Feeling the love and support will give your brother the strength and hope he needs to seek recovery. There is no magic solution and the path to recover has many relapses. Knowing and accepting this would have saved my brother.
      I can only imagine what an addict goes through is like holding your breath.
      Stop using – The uncomfortable feeling as your body is reacting to not getting oxygen.
      Withdrawal – Your brain starts to beg you to open your mouth and breath. All over your body starts to ache. Every second is consumed by the pain of not breathing. Fear and panic sets in. Every thought is about air. Your brain is now screaming that you will die if you don’t breath.
      Relapse – You cave and open your mouth.
      Overdose – You are gulping down as much air as possible, expanding your chest to its capacity to fill it with as much oxygen as you can.


  6. I am judgemental. How long have you lived with a heroin addict in your life? After the first five years judgement and bitterness comes easy. Maybe read my entire blog before you JUDGE me.

    Yes my brother has tried Suboxen. He’s been in rehab 10 times. He’s been on anything and everything.


  7. I too have an addict brother. From what I understand it started when some “friends” laced a joint with heroin. I remember growing up and him telling me to never touch heroin because it feels too good.

    Fast forward to his 30s. He overdosed on H five years ago. His wife found him purple and unresponsive. She called 911 and told the EMS works what he was on. They had to start CPR to bring him back to life. The worst part was that his 6year old son was hiding in the closet, the kind with the wooden slits, and watched everything. Our family drove to his house out of state and tried to help by getting him into NA and getting some type of drug treatment plan. We all thought everything had been going well until a few years after he moved to the city my family is in.

    After moving back my parents got a package in the mail addressed to my brother that didn’t live there. My mother was suspicious and opened it. Inside she found heroin. He had ordered it from on of that blackmarket sites and had it shipped to my parents house because his wife would open it. When he almost died the first time he was buying it online and having it shipped to his house so she knew what to look for.

    After finding out he was shipping H to my parents house we all cracked down. We got his employer involved (they are like family to us). He was fired with the understand that he would cash out a month of his vacation/sick time and get professional help. He seemed to have gotten better with his addiction until this weekend.
    I came to town to visit my family, mom, dad, sis, brother and his family. Friday I eat over at his house and I noticed his eye were droppy but I noticed he was drinking beer and just assumed it was because he was drunk. This morning I get a call from his wife informing me that she had broken down their bathroom door because he wouldn’t respond. She found him AGAIN on the ground, purple, and barely breathing. She called 911 and slapped him in the face a few time and nothing. He stopped breathing so she started CPR. That woke him up. After his wife told him that the cops and EMS were on their way he jumps up with no clothes on and proceeds to start hiding his needles, Rx drugs, flushing his H, and probably hinding some H for when he gets out.

    My mother almost died from Meningitis a month ago and just came back from the hospital. My father is spending all of his energy on her. He has paid for my brothers bills for months at a time for the sake of his grandchildren. Now he is besides himself because he can’t help but think he enabled him to buy drugs. With what’s been going on with my mother, my father has said he will no longer help him and that he is no longer welcome at his home.

    After he was released from the hospital today I tried to talk to him and be supportive, even though I wanted to yell and scream at him for everything he has put his family though, mostly his kids. I got him to finally admit that he had been clean for a month and then took H on Friday and Saturday morning (the last time he had turned purple). He still doesn’t think he needs help. After that conversation he went back into his house and started tearing up his house looking for his Xanax. He found on on the floor and took it without hesitation. He wanted to go drive and clear his mind. This is when I flipped the tough love switch in my mind. I told him that if he got in that car and drove off he would see me in his rear view mirror calling the cops to report that he was driving under the influence of heroin and Xanax. He was none to happy with that. Instead he took his dog for a walk. at this point I decided that it would be best if I removed myself from the situation for a little bit because I know if he would have gotten up in my face I would have hurt him badly.

    I thought maybe an old friend of ours talking to him might help. The friend and I took him fishing tonight. He got into my car and looked like he had just shot up. I asked him about it and he said he took 3 Xanax and drank a few beers before I got over. He could barely keep his eyes open and was slurring his speach. I made him show me the Xanax RX and I patted him down to make sure he didn’t have any other drugs. I didn’t find any. While fishing our old friend and I talked to him about what happened. Opening up with our own stories of addiction. I had an issue with opiate pills as did our friend. All my brother would say was that we were beating up on him and he didn’t have a problem.

    I live 12 hours away. I can’t keep an eye on him all the time. My father has to take care of my mother because of her health issues. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just know that I’m going to get a phone call informing me that my brother has died.

    At this point all I can do is try to make his kids as happy as I can by taking them out of that environment as much as I can and give my brother tuff love. He will not receive a penny from me for anything. If his heat gets shut off then his kids can come stay warm at my house while he stays in the mess of his making.

    I’m crying as I write this but it has come to the point now that we have to cut him off so he can reach rock bottom so that maybe he will want help.


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