365 days wasted

I am beyond devastated to write this post. You see for the past year my brother had been clean. He was part of a drug court program that drug tested him weekly and had him meet with the judge weekly. This, I believe helped him more than any rehab he has ever been in. He had to be accountable for his sobriety or else he would be thrown in jail for his full sentence of crimes he previously committed. He was doing great, working out, interacting with our family, and really seemed to be on the path of a sober life. It was awesome having him back in my life. I believed he had changed. I believed he had fought the devil and won.

He didn’t win though. As I write this my brother is back to the needle. The lies began about two months ago (weeks after he finished with drug court) as his social media posting began to quickly disappear. You see, my brother has a few tells when he’s using. The first is his lack of social media presence. When he is clean and sober he works out and when he works out he posts lots and lots of pictures. When he doesn’t post, we all know the dope is back in his life as his #1. The second tell is his anger and meanness. Normally he is pretty kind. However on heroin he is a complete asshole. My last interaction with him over text ended with him basically telling me to fuck off. I knew then, he was back only a month away from his 1 year clean date.

I’m bummed of course because for some reason this time it was so different. He was so happy and so alive, I thought there was no way he could reach those dark places that call his name over and over. But he did. And just like that my brother is gone. Heroin wins again.

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21 thoughts on “365 days wasted”

  1. I am so sad to hear this about your brother. My brother has been clean now 4 months. I am so glad he’s a normal person again but live in fear of his demons beating him. He is living far away from us with an aunt and had a fresh start. I pray for your brother and mine.

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  2. Sorry about your brother. My brother is currently serving 3 months for parole violation and is due out in mid October. He’s been on heroin since he was 16 & he just turned 23. His life is sad and he’s been in and out of rehab and jail and has spent every birthday starting at age 16 either locked up or in rehab. At this point my family would settle for him at least being a functioning addict. Heroin is a beast and it has beat our family to a pulp. Sending prayers to you and you family. Hope your brother finds the light & escapes the dark place he’s in.

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  3. I’m so sorry. I have a junkie brother too and he couldn’t last even three months in drug court before he was tossed back in jail. He’s still there now… But had enough time to father a child while he was out with another junkie. The sadness and frustration is sometimes overwhelming. Thanks for these posts…I will be hoping something positive happens to bring him back to you.

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  4. I don’t know if you realize that despite the pain and anger you are feeling your posts have brought comfort to other siblings in that we are not alone. That it is ok to be upset.

    I applaud you in your courage to write all of this down and as a fellow sibling I thank you for it.

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    1. Amen Josh. There is so much guilt related to being the sibling of an addict it’s hard to grapple with some time. And of course because the drug makes them so manipulative they use your guilt against you to make you feel even worse. I’ve taken a hard stance with my baby brother yet my parents continue to enable him. It’s a never ending cycle of pain, sadness and worry.

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  5. My youngest son is a heroin addict and it has destroyed our family..Thanks for your post… We all need to spread the word that Heroin is now the destroyer of America and it needs to be dealt with by the politicians….

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  6. So sorry to hear. Relapses especially the sneaky ones are so hard. Sending love from Australia from a sister going through a similar thing, albeit at a different stage of the cycle for now. Thank you for writing this blog.

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  7. Thank you for giving so many of us a voice. ❤ It breaks my heart to know other people struggle with addiction in their immediate family but it comforts me to know I'm not alone. It's okay to get frustrated and upset. And thank you for showing me a different point-of-view at times. 🙂 Hang in there.

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  8. I am so sorry to hear this. My brother did the same thing..a year clean.. not even 2 months off his program..back to the needle. It’s like you’re telling my story. .if my brother.. I thank you for your posts.. they help me to know someone else is going through the same heartache… take care of yourself…

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  9. I am praying for you. As all of the preceding comments seem to indicate, you are not alone. My brother has struggled in sobriety and staying clean for years, and it never gets any easier. Keep your head up – there is always hope. I will be praying for your brother too.

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  10. I think my son has gone back to using again. All of the signs are there. It is super sad because he has two small kids. He will not be allowed to have them at his house or alone for that matter. It is so sad that they aren’t enough to keep him from using. I just don’t understand that.

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  11. I know your pain. My family and I have suffered through the same cycle. I am usually the first to see the signs before my brother turns back. Last night I caught him red handed breaking into my parents garage and stealing my computer. His response? all 6ft 220lbs of well trained jail fighting punched me in the face and arm. Never in a million years would I think my baby brother would lay a hand on me, not even at his most unrecognizable darkest state. But he did, and in front of our parents. Now I am getting a restraining order on my baby brother who used to be my best friend. It’s devastating.

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  12. As the older sister of two heroin addicted brothers, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your entries with others. One of my brothers passed away in January from a heroin overdose and my youngest brother is still using. It is a nightmare. Thanks again, your blog is a gift to all of the siblings out there going through this.

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  13. I can totally relate to your post my brother was six months clean off dope he got his children back from dcf was working out posting pics and b
    Videos of his progress last year I lost my younger brother to heroin I could use someone to talk to about addiction and how to understand this better u described my brother to a T it’s crazy how alike our brothers are…know your not alone their is others who are suffering in the exact same form. I’m the sister that’s been helping him though and watching him struggle with being dope sick to being clean to dope sick to being clean I can’t take anymore…

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